BURN THE HAYSTACK.
Find the needle.
Or just burn everything.

"I'm not like other guys. I have a lot going on. Not going to get into it. But a lot. Really just looking for someone who asks fewer questions than my parole officer. That's a joke. Mostly."

"I've been told I have very strong opinions about how dishes should be loaded into a dishwasher. My last three relationships ended over this. The dishwasher was right every time. I will die on this hill."

"My bio used to say 'loves to laugh' but my therapist said that's not a personality. So now I have no bio. This is what honesty looks like. Also I love to laugh."

"Not looking for anything serious but also not not looking for something serious. I want you to figure that out and if you have to ask then you're already wrong. My cat is named Consequences. This is intentional."

"My profile picture is from 2011 but I still look basically like that. Same energy. Different hair situation. Looking for someone who appreciates a man of mystery. The mystery is mostly just the hair."

"I have been told I am a lot. I agree. I am a lot. I'm not going to be less. If you want less, there's literally a whole app full of people who are less. This isn't that app. Hi."

"Not looking for drama. Just putting that out there. Had some bad luck with exes — all of them, every single one, remarkable coincidence if you think about it. The breakup came out of nowhere. I don't want to get into it but it came out of nowhere. Just looking for someone chill."

"Main photo: boat. Second photo: mountain summit. Third photo: wedding suit, 2019. Fourth photo: backwards hat at a sports bar. That fourth one is his actual daily life. The boat was a rental. The mountain was a guided tour. The suit still technically fits if he doesn't breathe."

"Listed: 6'2\". Every photo: seated, or next to something conveniently short, or taken from a low angle by someone doing him a kindness. Not 6'2\". Possibly 6'2\" in a very specific pair of shoes on a slight incline. Committed to the bit."

"Works a lot. Travels constantly. Mentions this six times in the bio. Looking for someone 'independent.' Independent means: available on his schedule, unavailable on hers, and unbothered by either. Has opinions about airport lounges."

"Bio: 'I need someone who communicates, doesn't play games, knows what they want, is emotionally mature, isn't crazy, and has their life together.' This is not a bio. This is a performance review rubric. He will not meet a single one of these criteria himself. He does not see the irony."

"Hikes. Cooks. Reads. Volunteers. Plays guitar 'a little.' Bio is 340 words. Last relationship lasted three weeks because he was also writing a novel, training for a triathlon, and learning Mandarin simultaneously. He's a lot. He knows he's a lot. He considers this a feature."

"Dating with intention. I know my attachment style (secure, self-assessed), my love language (acts of service, re-assessed quarterly), my enneagram (4w5), my human design (projector), and my astrological compatibility window (currently Mercury retrograde, paused). I have done the work. All of it. Every piece. I bring a printed agenda to first dates. Just to stay focused. The dates keep not working out. I'm not sure why. I'm journaling about it."

"NOT here for hookups, just putting that out there!! Looking for a real connection with someone who can go the distance. I need a man who knows how to handle himself and isn't afraid to get in deep. Must be able to satisfy my need for long, meaningful conversations that build slowly and don't finish too quickly. I want someone to explore new positions in life with me — especially outdoors. Bonus points if you're good with your hands. 🙂 No hookups!!"

"Young at heart and very active. Looking for a woman who takes care of herself — you should too, right? Just being honest! Not into drama or baggage, we all have enough of our own lol. Want someone easygoing who doesn't overthink everything. Prefer someone who's feminine and knows how to have fun without making everything a big deal. Low maintenance is a plus. I'll treat you right if you're the right kind of woman. You know the type."